Oh how I’ve missed this blog. I regret being away for so long and losing touch with all y’all!! How has everyone been? I, for one, have been pretty down lately. But that’s alright, we all need a little rain before we can truly appreciate the sunlight.
As of right now my life is a bit of a mess. I’m losing touch with a lot- well actually, all- of my closest friends and it makes me so sad. Sometimes things happen to me and I want to text someone about it but then I think to myself, “they won’t care about this,” and end up never sending the text. I’ve been left on read numerous amounts of times and even when I’m so down to the point where I feel like I may never get back up again, I still feel as though I have no one. But recently, I’ve come to realize that this is pretty much entirely my fault. Everything my friends are doing to me, I have done to them. I’ve been pushing people away without even knowing it. And I know exactly why.
Screaming, fighting, and threats of divorce- that is the environment that I am forced to live with on a daily basis. As some of you may recall, my aunt was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer over 7 months ago. She had her last chemotherapy session last month, however at the start of this month her oncologist wanted her to do extra chemotherapy sessions (but these ones are different, they’re for protein apparently. Not nearly as harsh as normal chemo) as well as radiation therapy. My mother was not happy with this at all. As much as she loves my aunt, she wants her to leave our home already and go back to the Philippines. In all honesty, I don’t understand my mom’s way of thinking. I don’t want to try to explain it because I don’t want y’all thinking my mom is some sort of heartless person. She’s not, I promise. Anyways, her and my dad have been arguing consistently about this. My aunt is my dad’s sister, so he’s being fiercely protective of her. Meanwhile, my mom is threatening divorce. This, of course, is all occurring while my aunt is not around. My parents vent about their stress towards each other to me, because really I’m all that they have. I’m the only one who will listen. But to have to listen to such negativity from your own parents on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis- it’s killing me you guys. I’m slowly beginning to live in a broken home. I’m slowly becoming broken myself.
So that’s why I’ve been unknowingly pushing my friends away. And when the moment comes where all hell has vanished and my mind is at ease, I stare at my phone wondering why everyone is ignoring me. It’s like some sort of trance- I push away people close to me when I’m down but once I surpass that state, I don’t realize that I was pushing people away to begin with. I don’t know if any of that makes sense, this is all a stream of consciousness honestly.
Until now I have not considered the possibility of me being depressed. Anxious? Most definitely. But depressed? I just never thought of it. But now, I dunno. I feel like I really should get some help. I’ve been taking 4 hour naps and putting off homework and responsibilities. Sometimes I just sit on my bed and just stare blankly on my phone. Sometimes my happiness seems much too forced and fake. I don’t feel like myself anymore and it’s so strange. All I ever want to do is sleep and eat, and while that may be a funny joke throughout millennials on the internet, it’s actually kind of concerning me. I don’t know.
I just miss the days when I really thought my parents’ marriage could work out. I miss high school, when you saw your friends on the daily and didn’t have to worry about being disconnected from them. As much as I joke about hating people, I honestly thrive on social interaction and friendship. I love people and I love my friends and I love my family and I have so much love to give to everyone but I just don’t feel like I’m getting enough back.